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Helping your Child Deal with the Death of a Loved One

By: Rob Parker

Trying to come to grips with death is a process that will affect every person differently, and never gets easier as one gets older. That said, children will always react differently to death than adults; depending on age, a child may not even have a real concept of what death is. It is therefore quite a bit more difficult for parents to help a child deal with death, particularly when the death is that of a loved one in your child’s life.

Because of the different methods of understanding and dealing with death that are not only unique to the individual child, his or her relationship with the person who has passed, and his or her age, there is no blanket solution that can be offered during the grieving process. Instead, we will seek to put forward some general guidelines that may help both you and your child as you cope with the loss.

Do not withdraw. In many cases the death of the loved one will not only directly affect your child but you as well. In these cases, it is very important to try as hard as possible to remember that you are still a parent, and that your child does need you. Do not withdraw into your own pain so much that you leave your child feeling abandoned. If you are finding this almost impossible, it might be a good idea to connect you and your child with a professional counsellor.

Let your child see your pain. One mistake that many parents make is trying to be strong for the sake of your child. This sends a couple of different messages, depending on the child. Possibly the most damaging is that emotions must be borne silently; a child will try to emulate a “strong” parent and may start to view normal grieving as weakness. It is important not to hide your sorrow from your child in order to help him or her express her own.

Never jump to hasty conclusions. For children, the grieving process may mean a change in behaviour; in fact some adults may see a child’s reactions while coping as misbehaviours. It is very important to understand that many children work through their emotion at this time in a way that adults cannot interpret, and need to be talked to, not punished, when unusual behaviour is observed.

These are just a few important guidelines when it comes to helping your child deal with the death of a loved one. Some parents will find that working through the process together can be healing to both themselves and their children; it is very important that your child understands that you are there for them during this stressful time.

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